Finally separated from Nyala, [JP], and Marie today. Overall our time was well spent, but the last few days I could feel myself rapidly draining. By the time we were ready to say goodbye today, I was beyond mentally exhausted. The topics of conversation had deteriorated. The balance and the furthering. As I knew it would and as it always does. I think, had Nyala and I been alone still, things might have felt different. But here we are.
They found Chauvin guilty today. And the emotions of that are just compounding everything else I’ve been feeling today. Relief. Ease. Tension. Gratitude, but for what? So much more needs to be done. And having the privilege to have some conversations about race with Nyala and Marie just furthered my understanding of it all. The empathy. There’s so much they’re able to just say so flippantly, acknowledging that if they didn’t they’d just get lost in it.
We’d all planned to go back to Florestral on Thursday for another ceremony. I was going to peel off for two nights and then meet them back in Dominical, but this morning, [JP]’s ex-girlfriend [M] had hacked his credit card so they couldn’t get a rental car anymore. It’s telling that part of me was skeptical about whether it was truly his toxic ex, or if he was in some way fabricating some aspects of reality because he’d changed his mind or was embarrassed about how he’s been. Regardless, their plans were changing and mine remained the same. The thought of lingering with them was draining, and I was grateful in the end that I had accommodation booked and had been so vocal about needing my time and space.
Over the course of lunch, Marie and Nyala ended up deciding that they shouldn’t go back to Florestral. It makes sense for them, and I’m grateful to not have to weigh options for Friday with other voices in my ear (although i’d already said i likely would go my own way). But part of me started to wonder if the difficulty in planning was a sign that the timing wasn’t right. But the difficulty has been in their plans, not at all mine.