Dreamt of Scarlet lost at sea and forbidden love in Madison. a Madison fused with Florestral. [13] was there. dreamt of [19] posting videos of Katherine W, Meghan C, the girl with dark brown hair (Mackenzie K), Lauren J, and Meg O from 2017 on vacation somewhere. The girls all sharing a bed. Lauren and Meg beautiful, the others less so.
08:29
Just spent half an hour meditating on a rock in the perfect river that runs through this land. focused my mind on who i was as a child. the phases of my early life. the things i loved. animals and nature and exploring. my mind also went back to the idea of what happened to bring me from the pure bliss of being 5 to suicidal at 12. was it simply the transition from Germany and the learning of self-hatred? was it the food and the energy that unlocked
09:39
at breakfast i happened to sit across from a dream interpreter. life brings you what you need.
she told me dreams are the soul’s way of communicating with us. of telling us what we need. and the more we listen, the more it speaks. if someone has stopped dreaming it’s because the soul grew tired of not being listened to. and nightmares are its way of screaming for attention.
she said my dream about Scarlet symbolizes my feeling like i’m in the “normal” world (my family) but my soul knows something is wrong and there’s more out there. Scarlet, being my (closest) cousin symbolizes my soul and true purpose. the sea is life, and the endless possibilities. her being lost, and no one else seeming to notice or care is my soul telling me i know there’s more to my path. that something is missing, but it’s for me. that’s why no one else seems to notice or care.
she’s South African but was a flight attendant with PSA until she took the early out when Covid hit.
10:53
when I got here yesterday, I picked up a book called The Crossroads of Should and Must, which was based on a Medium article first published on April 8, 2014. In so many ways, it describes perfectly where I am in life right now. Very far along, but still unsure entirely how to implement the Must. Must I write? Must I remove myself from the world and continue this inward quest? Recently the answer seems to lay more in the realm of growth, but giving back. Somehow keeping a tie to the rest of the universe while simultaneously figuring out my place in it.
sitting on the sun soaked rock next to this perfect mountain river, listening to the sounds of insects and rushing water, it’s easy to feel so part of this. so at home. simultaneously knowing that life awaits me. that the future is eternal. but that there is also only right now.
I hope tonight brings me clarity on my path forward. That in some way I come out of it with an understanding of how to navigate and balance. What more to dedicate my life and time to.
[ hand-drawn images of me sitting on a rock, waves to my left, heart-shaped bugs flying off to my right ]
as far as America goes, maybe Chicago’s all right
17:15
about two hours now until we get underway. feeling overall calm and connected, excited even. maybe I should tap into excited more. in so many ways, tonight may be a complete rebirth. a new start. a new understanding. it’s hard to comprehend.
i’m trying to give myself over as much as possible to simply allowing the medicine to guide me. to following where it leads and surrendering, tomorrow is unknowable, and isn’t that beautiful?
thinking about what I wanted as a child—to explore and discover and play and take in everything life had—in so many ways that’s exactly what I’m doing. I had no way to know what form it would take. but the current form is beautiful beyond my imagination. sitting, surrounded by loving, caring people who’ve created a space of beauty and healing. somehow so cut off from the world but so connected, exactly where and when I’m supposed to be.
this is what he let me go for
i’m one of these people.
06:22
the morning is greeting us and we are all laying, standing, sleeping, praying together in this temple that’s been our home for not only the last 12 hours, but the last eternity.
self-awareness gained, peace granted.
i spent time relishing in the softness of my own skin
I wonder though if I could have gone deeper. I wondered it all night. I asked the medicine to bring me to that place. to give me what I need and I trust that it did but I also know that I jolt myself awake when things get uncomfortable. I change laying positions and break the trance.
I do know I’ll never hear music the same way again. music is light and love.
god is love.
Berry, the woman laying next to me, is love.
there are so many kinds of seeds.
and I’ve stopped considering the ways I influence space. is that a good thing? how do people see me? do I see us as one in the same but they hold me elsewhere?
do I get bored of infinite beauty? how do I always have thoughts of “this isn’t enough”? or “i’m ready for this to end”?
08:09
another lifetime has passed since this morning. deeper insights to [17], my love for him. especially his love for me. he loved me so much. so much it hurt.
maybe what I’m taking away from this is that I need to spend more time appreciating what’s in front of me.
i still wonder what people will think of me and I shut parts of myself down
they almost hospitalized me at 13 because I wouldn’t speak. how does that play out?
concept of mother.
most important thing
earth, mom, me, all of us.
she protected me my whole life.
hugging Jordan is going to feel so good.
I’ve spent the last three years trying to figure it out.
the green of the trees is infinite.
the morning bugs flying through sunbeams, glowing gold
the perfection of my body, my skin. everything I need.
20:03
what a 24 hours. somehow i feel so changed and yet so the same. deeper insights into myself, some relationships, the universe. more truth.
i don’t feel called to anything other than the path of seeking more answers. allowing myself, someday, to fully surrender.
as much as i thought i was ready this time obviously a wall remained.