I’ve been feeling Melbourne and Australia and so many moments of the last day. Maybe it’s the heat and the salt. But the feeling hits and it feels like home.
I made a somewhat reflexive decision to ride to Uvita today with some girls from the hostel instead of taking the boat, a taxi, and a bus. Logistically it makes sense, but part of me wonders if it was wise to forgo this time spent in transit, reflecting. But this is my path now and what comes will come.
I’ve tried to spend time thinking about the next three days. And while I’ve done some, it also just feels like what’s coming will come. I don’t want to be distracted from it, but I think focusing too wholly on it might cloud me. I also have to recognize that tomorrow will likely be only a small look into what’s to come.
Sitting here, poised to leave Drake Bay, the cool breeze of the sea caressing my cheek, I feel so at peace. So connected to this moment. I feel my past in a way that I thought might be lost. I don’t know if I feel my future as much as I simply trust it. I feel love for the people and places who’ve made me.
08:14 Martina’s Place
When I do think about my intentions for the night, my mind seems to focus on the inner child, on joy, and maybe on an unknown trauma or fear buried deep. This last one seems more an idea than a presence. But an idea that circulated for almost 20 years now.
Mostly I seek a deeper understanding of life and the connection we all share. And joy. I have so much joy in my life but there can always be more. And more play. And joy in the calm. Maybe that’s what I seek. Everpresent joy and play in the calm of it all.
Does alcohol in some way enable the joy and play when I’m forced into the confines of home? Is that the way I seek these things? Both an escape and a joy? Somehow a way to bring about the honesty and purity and childhood in myself and those I love?
I don’t think it’s possible to bridge the two worlds of myself and my life in any way I’ve yet conceived. Maybe I’ll find that complete escape is really the way. Maybe there’s a third option.
What is the thing that connects me to home? Is it fear or love or both? There’s an understanding I find of myself in the people there. But also such a gaping hole. That’s only ever filled elsewhere.
How do I become the spiritual being I know I am and want to be while simultaneously keeping the parts of modernity I feel important? Is it possible? Is it difficult? Is it painfully simple? I want to learn and grow and constantly evolve but a lot of that is framed in a Western context. University, writing. But is that even important? It doesn’t feel like it is while I’m here.