Decided at some point yesterday that going back to Florestral was truly the right thing to do, even if the logistics are slightly strained.
I ended up starting to feel incredibly weak and tired around 4pm yesterday, like the flu was coming on or something. It’s lingered on into today, although it’s lessening as the day moves. I considered canceling tomorrow because of it, but something larger is pulling me back.
[17], I think.
16:26
He’s been surfacing in dreams, in thoughts, in abundant and unexpected ways. Last night I had a dream that we were at the same school trying to stay out of each other’s way. or, rather, he was avoiding me much more than I, him. I was trying to accept it and move on, so finally one day the guy who used to come to the Urban bar all the time stopped me at my locker. I didn’t particularly want to talk to him, but he was nice and a distraction. I sat at his table for a while, engaged in topical conversation. Feeling uneasy but okay. When I went back to my locker, [17] walked by and said something for the first time in ages. Just, “him? really?” and he laughed. All I could do was scream “fuck you. FUCK YOU!” after him. and I ran back to the table sobbing, got my things, and said I was walking home. alone.
on the way I was so upset. heartbroken upset.
I ended up coming upon him in this outdoor staircase, and he was surrounded by girls. young, vapid, falling over him. when they realized who I was, they started being so cruel. so, so cruel. but that didn’t bother me as much as how he just… let it happen.