monday, 17 may, 2021
11:41 17A PBI → ORD
whirlwind of a weekend in miami, but it felt both normal and novel. there are points where i’d hear myself speak and just realize how ingrained it all is now. how real. how true. part of me was wondering how i sounded. if it was all too out there. that awareness of perception, i guess. but it seemed like they (especially alex) were receptive to whatever i was saying. i don’t know. in a lot of ways it felt like a reassurance that i’ll be able to reintegrate better than i have in the past, maybe.
i’m not even entirely sure what to be writing about. last night as i was talking about understanding the depths of love with [17] and the generations of female trauma i carry, alex basically said what Eliska said. it’s a lot to deal with. a lot to process. right now it doesn’t feel that insane. that heavy i guess. but i’m sure there will be future moments that it does.
thursday, may 27
0:44 hurricane, UT
Not even sure which version of me to begin with. Not even sure who’s writing. Tonight unlocked insights into family and life that I’ve never known, but simultaneously Kor projectile vomited all over our bathroom. So. is that who she is? or is it a condition of me? or both?
what i know is I don’t prefer these versions of people. but i do want their honesty.
why does my heart hurt?
tuesday, june 1, 2021
08:29, moab, utah
a week into this endeavor and i’ve felt so much. so much peace and joy but simultaneously so much discomfort, judgment, pain. i’ve been frustrated by my own inability to just exist with my family. i find myself yearning for more depth and connection, and when so much is childish or redundant i start to shut down. but isn’t that something i seek? childlike states? mahm is the epitome of child. and there are so many moments where it’s so wholly beautiful, but then so many where i find myself so overwhelmingly frustrated. maybe i just need to love her like she’s a child. and just allow that to be it. nurture her the way she did me.
kor is a different feeling, wrapped in the same frustrations. i feel like in so many ways, she’s truly happy. but in so many others she’s lost. i try to just love and support her the way i would any of my friends, but it’s harder. it’s harder to sort the authenticity, maybe. i catch myself so often feeling downtrodden by the repetitive stories, by the performance of it all. the way she exists just with me versus when other people, even mom and dad, are around.
mostly, i suppose, it’s ego. me wanting them to behave or be a certain way that they just aren’t. and that’s not fair for them. and i’m sure it’s perceptible when i start to shut down.
i had a dream that i was in a city, trying to get somewhere but the bus kept changing course. eventually i was “home” and i wanted to sleep on the porch, so i locked all of the gates. even though i knew people usually passed through where i was. kor showed up and we started biking through the city, and she told me she’d figured out why we couldn’t leave. why we had to stay in chicago / america forever. that our moment had passed and we needed to accept it. and i pushed back, even though it was hard. that whats right for her isn’t always whats right for me. i literally said “but my soul needs to go”. and she was so sad. and said “but what about my soul? what about mom and dad?” and i told her i thought about that daily. what moving away again would mean. that fear of only seeing them for a few days every few years. a passing off their needs onto a stranger. and that i don’t know how to reconcile it. but i know what my soul needs.
in another part of it, i was driving somewhere foreign with mahm, through mountains that were along a giant lake. and the road kept giving out. and finally we were kind of in the lake. as though the car was a boat. passing all of these beautiful, abandoned old mansions that seemed like they’d crumble if you touched them.