On the bit of a post Whole30 (26) bender of sorts? In that I’ve eaten french fries and had 3 drinks every night for 3 nights in a row. Working on the sixth drink in as many hours tonight, actually. Been trying to decide if it’s born of boredom or desire or fear or depth or some combination of all of the above alongside even more intangible emotions. Or if I’m just on vacation again—truly traveling—and part of me knows this is part of that.
What I do know is this:
- Puerto Viejo feels good.
- my time here feels far from over, let alone wasted
- even though I have “done” very little
- being alone still feels good
- but at moments I wonder what parts of me are simply closed off / out of practice when it comes to meeting people
- but don’t the right people find their ways to me when the time is right?
What else I believe I know is this:
- this time is sacred
- my book is stewing
- simmering
- thinking about starting the flame that will bring about a low boil
- it’s beneath the surface, but it’s there
- this may very well be the time
- I may still carry the fear of doing
- this is a fear I must try to shake, in its own time
Outside of these things, right now, 5½ beers in, 2 dinners + 1 order of fries and one order of vegan snickers cake later, my mind is drifting sleepily. Wondering what life here looks like. Wondering if life here is resembling what I yearn for. Or if I simply want this as an option. But I want to be able to retreat to Western cities and discourse when it suits.
No. I don’t think this is what I want forever. I don’t want to drink beer and dance on the beach and pretend the world Isn’t crumbling beneath us *but at least I’m safe*.
As much as I have yet to dedicate my life to “the greater good” I still feel compelled to be engaged. active. somehow part of it all.
Which is maybe where the “residency in London, ability to travel” idea is most attractive. Or maybe, somehow, Melbourne. Even though it called to me so much less a second time around. But how much of that was the shadow of [17]?
you can never go home again.