13:21 Phat Noodle, Dominical
The ride ended up being exactly as perfectly timed and serendipitous as I could have hoped. The girls were actually driving to Dominical, so I’ve found myself in the exact spot the bus/taxi/boat route would have taken me two hours more to get to.
The ride was mostly silent, but interspersed with light conversation. We talked about the retreat a bit, and it was good to be reminded of how far I’ve come. How at one point in my life so much of my current reality was completely unrealistic, but I could feel it pulling me.
I thought more about Melbourne. About the lives I’ve left behind. Gone forever in time. The versions of me. The people I’ve had the privilege to be and the people I’ve had the privilege to know.
I thought about Colleen, and the beauty of our relationship. How we’ve diverged in plenty of ways, but still our souls are so intertwined.
As I’m sitting here eating my massaman curry, I just feel an eternally deepening sense of being mindful about what I put into my body. Feeling the connection between mind, body, and spirit that starts at the mouth.
I should lend more credence to my dreams.
gearing up to leave dominical. here we go.
the outcome will be what it is, but i should examine initial fear regardless
19:37 Mango Room, Florestral
There’s a small but real fear and unease that I have to acknowledge. There’s so much faith and trust but there’s also that fundamentally conditioned part of me—the part I’ve fought to break free from for so long—that doesn’t want to relinquish control. That is nervous about the unknown. Even though I know it will be wonderful.
Maybe the small flashes of trepidation I’m feeling are cut from the same cloth of the fear and anxiety I feel before a big move or a trip. In fact I’m sure it’s the same cloth. And when it comes to exploration, I know there’s usually a curve of settling in, but the best things always come when I just let go and trust. The last two weeks are a testament to that.
It’s the wall I have up that I need to tear down. The one that still fears vulnerability. Somehow being seen for something other than… what?